I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
