I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
