med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
