If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
