I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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