so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
how drunk are you?
Several
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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