i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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