these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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