Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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