need another drink. this is the easiest way
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
