apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
