I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
