Where is the hickey?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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