I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
