I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We left the knife in your bed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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