my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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