Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
