i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
