I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
