Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
