Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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