It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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