Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize