dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
