Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize