Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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