weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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