Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
