You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize