quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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