In the future we'll all be gay
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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