I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
