too bad you live with your parents still
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
