Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
