Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
