I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
