Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
