Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
