Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
