last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
