They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
