sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
