Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
