Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
