just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
