glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
