Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
