matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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