I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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