i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
