just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
