i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
