My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize