why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
