Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
