You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
