3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
