apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
