What did we do last night that was yellow?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
